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| i wish i knew what the hell would make my life better. i thought living by myself and having my own space would save me from all of my anguish and pet peeves. instead others sprang up and torture me. i hate that i know what the answers are, being humbled and seeking the Lord, but i can't make that happen. i keep going on in the muck, playing in shit like it's gold, but then i realize i haven't eaten in days and that i am slowly dying from lack of nutrition and anything good. my body can't take it any more, it feels empty and desparate for anything. my spiritual body is crying out for Truth, and yet at the same time i run from it. we know what is the answer but we don't want to just take a bow and turn around right back to it. instead we would rather go on living like mad men who take the easy way out for anything. even in the face of death it's easier to keep falling or jump to another ledge than to look up and admit that we havent the slightest idea of what the hell is going on, and that it would be much harder on our pride, our stronghold, our cornerstone, to repent.
i feel like shit, and yet i have everything i could ask for, save for a strong community. i am out of luck, because luck isn't such. i need a dose of sovereignty saying that i am going through even this in hopes that God will have mercy even more that He already has.
Lord have mercy and make me to hear your voice and to serve. | | |
| I just got back from Border's. I read about 15 minutes worth from a Kurt Cobain biography. I suddenly feel really, really depressed. But in the eerie good way that makes your eyes open to reality and it makes you feel good but devastated by the fall of man all at the same time. Life is so fragile and meaningless without Christ. I wanted to be by myself and cry my eyes out actually. And I wonder if it's not because I'm moving to Seattle.
Suddenly I have some weird connection to Kurt and Courtney's story, even if it just means I'll live in the same city where he shot himself in the head in. I guess it's just that their story is the exaggerated version of so many people's. Like we're all just these fragments of life who want something so bad that we are never fully satisfied (and rightfully so, seeing as how we are created to glorify and be glorified in eternity). Not even satisfied when we have fame and "success" like Kurt.
And just because Courtney is a freaking mess doesn't nullify any of her laments after her husband's death. It makes it so much more painful for me to think about, the fact that people's lose loved ones and they can't see the bigger picture of redemption...that a life lost could have been a life called into the Kingdom. It's a bummer...and right now I don't understand it, but for seem reason I feel comforted by even the depression it causes. I guess I just like moments when I step outside of business and numbers and music even, and actually give a flip about things....my heart actually feels something right now.
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| 26 days and counting. Resigned from my first industry job today. Still am afraid this whole thing is some made up garbage in my head; had to check and re-check my email yesterday, re-reading the correspondence with T&N because I didn't really believe such a huge thing is about to happen to me.
God bless my loved ones I have known in this season of my life. All the special places in my heart that each person holds, may they never be forgotten. All the familiar faces I won't see...may they be shown God's mercy and favor in all that they do. I am humbled and amazed by this place and all that it's people have offered me. May Nashville always remain....the birth place of The Train.
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| Guys, there's an IKEA in Seattle. Uh oh....Maria......... | | |
| So after some research on Monster.com, I discovered that I am getting paid $2000 less than what the average JANITOR gets paid in Nashville. Amazing. I am also in the 75 percentile of bus drivers. Bummer dudes. I mean, aren't these $80,000 degree things supposed to be worth something?
Yet, one more reason to pray for Washington. | | |
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